Thoughts on the eve of my 39th birthday…

Aging feels like a paradox. Some times I feel like hundreds of years old. Other times I feel like a child again. Sometimes I feel both at the same time. It can be hard to exist in a youth-obsessed culture when time is irrevocably proceeding forward.

We often hear “time is not linear, it’s cyclical.” I say it’s both. Let’s stop gaslighting ourselves into believing that time is not real. We definitely have a very tangible experience of time, and how it proceeds forward. Rather than running away from this fact, I think it’s even more important to embrace it.

As I enter my 39th year of life, I’m reflecting on the gifts that time has given me.

I’ve lived so many lives within this one. I’ve experienced major changes and transitions in location, jobs, and most importantly, ways of thinking. Thinking about myself, my relationship to others, my sense of belonging in the world.

My 30’s have given me so much room to explore what I like, what I don’t like, what spaces and I feel the most safe, comfortable, and powerful inhabiting. I know which relationships fill my cup, and which ones take extra effort to maintain. I’ve come to understand the value of my time, energy, and attention.

I’ve learned which relationships are worth pouring into. I’ve built a circle of support, and have surrounded myself with people who love, respect, celebrate, and motivate me. I look into the mirror and I truly love who I see. So much of the self-rejecting thoughts that used to plague me in my 20’s and early 30’s have turned into supportive voices. Amidst the unknown nature of the world, and the tenuous times we live in, it’s become easier, more second nature to tap into a sense of Inner Peace.

The most beautiful gift my 30’s have given me is a deeper connection with my Inner World.

Material wealth is the form of success we’re constantly taught to strive for, because it promises safety, comfort, and power. This decade, I’ve learned that Inner success is just as important. That the sense of safety, comfort, and power can also come from having an integrated relationship with all the different parts of you. Having a grounded sense of self helps me face the world, knowing that whatever happens, I will be there; whatever happens, I will not abandon myself.

So much of my 30’s has been about coming home. Literally coming home after a long day, and also coming home to myself. This decade I spent a lot of time rescuing parts of myself that I left behind during traumatic and challenging times. I welcomed back myself at various ages, embracing them, creating a room within my mind where they feel safe, comfortable, and powerful. They are free to come and go, as thoughts do.

As I enter the last year of my 30’s I feel a deep sense of gratitude and calm.

The gift that time has given me has now also become my gift to share. In my work as a coach I help people tune into their Inner World, to sweep the floors of their mind, put their thoughts in order, and understand the value of their time, energy, and attention. I help others reconnect with their inner children, and facilitate conversations between their conflicting parts, so they can all get on the same page.

39 feels like a major turning point, and I’ve got a lot of things planned for this next phase of life. No matter what challenges I face, whatever plot twists life brings, wherever I go, however I grow, I’ll always know I’m home.